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#SocialWorkStories with Birth Parents in ASCI’s FACT Program
Note: Families within the child welfare system deserve their privacy, therefore, we do not reveal their identities.
BIRTH FATHER
ASCI: What misconceptions about families in crisis would you like to debunk?
Anonymous birth father: Some people really are good parents. I’m a good parent.
ASCI: What about misconceptions about fathers in your situation?
BF: I feel as though people may think that I’m not a good parent because I’m going through this situation, but the mother of my kids is actually going through a situation, and I had some court cases that wouldn’t allow me to get my kids.
ASCI: Do you feel your voice as a father is heard? Why or why not?
BF: No, because I haven’t had a chance to speak [in court].
ASCI: What advice would you give other parents whose children are in the care of others?
BF: Stay strong and do what you need to do to get your kids.
ASCI: What are the challenges of maintaining a relationship with your child while in the system?
BF: A challenge that I’m facing is being away and not being able to raise my son the way I want to raise him.
ASCI: In your opinion, why is a father or father figure so important to a child’s life and development?
BF: Depending on the gender of your child, as a man you want to teach your son how to be a man. Also, you want your daughter to know that there are good men. You’re the first man that she’s going to encounter, and she needs to learn how a real man is supposed to be.
ASCI: How do you ensure you are part of the decision-making process for your child?
BF: At this point in time, I’m not really sure how to be a part of that process or what to do to make sure of that.
ASCI: What benefits to your child and family have you found in kinship care vs. traditional foster care?
BF: Being able to have your son or daughter, kids in general, to be with a family member is a benefit. I feel as though it’s a safety thing. And despite the differences that you have [with family], you know that your kids are going to be safe.
ASCI: How can the system/agencies be better at including fathers’ voices?
BF: Talking with the father and providing the best ways for him to get his kids back.
BIRTH MOTHER
ASCI: What misconceptions about families in crisis would you like to debunk?
Anonymous birth mother: In my case, I feel like people may think that I’m not taking care of my kids, that we don’t do anything to help ourselves. They kind of look down [on us]. Sometimes [we] fall into situations that we don’t mean to happen. Sometimes there are circumstances that are out of our control, so they shouldn’t judge.
ASCI: What about misconceptions about mothers in your situation?
BM: People may feel like as mothers, we’re not doing our jobs with our kids, but I feel like that’s wrong, because that’s not always the case. We do the best we can do.
ASCI: Do you feel your voice is heard during this process? Why or why not?
BM: I do feel that my voice is heard, because everything that I’ve brought forward so far has been handled.
ASCI: What advice would you give other parents whose children are in the care of others?
BM: Just try your best to work with the caregiver the best you can. That really helps. Because if they’re comfortable with you, then they’ll try to help you to get your kids back and get everything back up and running.
ASCI: What are the challenges of maintaining a relationship with your child while in the system?
BM: My main challenge is that my [children’s] caregiver works late. So, most times when she gets home it’s too late and the kids have to go to bed, so I don’t get to talk to them as often. That’s very challenging.
If you’re not putting in the effort—you’re not talking to your kids or seeing them—I feel like they’re going to think they’re being neglected by you. So, you have to try to just be there every chance you get. Talk to them. Be at their appointments, visits, everything.
ASCI: How do you ensure you are part of the decision-making process for your child?
BM: I question everything. I call everybody. I call schools, I call caseworkers, I call their advocates. I speak to everybody to make sure that everything is going through me.
ASCI: What benefits to your child and family have you found in kinship care vs. traditional foster care?
BM: Well, in foster care, they’re with strangers. They’re not as comfortable, they’ll probably lash out. They’re psyche probably runs wild—which is happening to my daughter right now. But when they’re with family, they’re more comfortable because they’re with people they know.
ASCI: How can the system/agencies be better at including your voice?
BM: They should make it more lenient so all kids can go with people they know. Because the rules that they have to place your child in kinship care are crazy. I feel like, as a mother, if I’m asking you to place my kids with this person that I’m comfortable with or that the child is comfortable with, that’s where I want my kid to stay.